The Pitfall of Being Sure You’re Right

Certainty vs. Correctness: The Danger of Assumed “Rightness”

When we feel certain about something, we usually believe we are right. But here’s the problem: we might be wrong. Just because we feel certain does not mean we are correct. It’s easy to confuse certainty with correctness.

Equating certainty with being right can lead us to unintentionally discount others. Often, the other person picks up on this, even if we don’t realize it. Think about the last time someone said something that didn’t sit right with you—you may have wondered, “Did they mean I’m...?”

Our intent may be positive, but unintentionally, we might come across as negative, leaving others feeling discounted. Below are four common phrases we often say without much thought. But maybe we should.

1. “Let me play devil’s advocate.”

What this really translates to is: “You’re wrong, and I will now point out your flaws for all to hear.” It’s often heard as, “You’re inferior, and here’s why.”

Instead, try this: “My thinking takes a different line. When I think about this, I think…”

2. “What John means ...”

Translation: “John isn’t articulate enough to be understood, so I’ll help him.” To John, it sounds like, “You obviously can’t express yourself, so I’ll step in.” This paints John as inferior while the “translator” comes off as a “helpful” (albeit superior) person.

Instead, try this: “John, can you tell us more about how you’re thinking?”

3. “Wrong.”

Translation: “You’re so wrong, it barely justifies an explanation.” To the other person, it sounds like, “You’re a loser for not seeing the obvious.”

Instead, try: “I see it differently. Could you share more about how you’re thinking on this?” This response creates an opportunity to understand the thinking behind the idea.

4. “Where did you get that idea?”

Translation: “How did you ever come up with that ridiculous idea?” It may sound to the other person like, “Do you even know what’s going on here?”

A better approach: “Tell me more about how you’re thinking on this.” Simply asking someone to share their thinking (avoiding “why”) can work wonders.

Key Takeaways

• Discounting someone is a fast way to damage a relationship.
• Being right is not the same as being certain.
• Everyone sees the world a little differently.

(Apologies to “John.”)